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Tired of elf lies? Good! We are too. The Honest Human is the only Bloodworth scroll that is written, printed, and delivered by humans. By Finnley Newman

Editor’s note: Please excuse the blotchy print. We refuse to buy a press made by elves! Our human-built press will be just as good — no, better — once we have dialed it in.

The Latest Human News

Gold and silver coins compared to the elven oil currency

Alchemy Ruins Human Economy

News from the kingdom of Holia: Gold coins are now worthless! After the elves rediscovered the alchemical processes to produce gold en masse it was only a matter of time before counterfeit gold coins flooded the market.

Holia suffered the hardest due to the (now pointless) gold mines in the region. The knights of Holia are refusing payment in gold, and the king has been unable to pay them through other means.

Gold is now so common the elves use it for plumbing.

This is clearly all a concerted effort from the elves to push their own oil-based currency. But we advise all humans to use Killhand silver coins whenever possible, as silver can’t be created and is even valued by the elves.

Scandal of the Week: In Bath with Elves

I don’t like to expose other humans, but I cannot let this go.

Lily Forest, I’m writing this directly to you. I can’t blame you for writing for that elven scroll… I’m sure the elves pay handsomely. But I read in your latest scroll that you are joining an elven circle! What are you thinking? This is an unnatural way for a human to live!

A young lady like yourself should find a good human to pledge to. Not run around pretending to be an elf. I hear you even visit their bathhouses…

Outrageous!

Elven math is confusing

Safety Announcement: Elf Scams

9+3=10?

Be careful when trading with the elves, you can easily be swindled out of your coin or oil.

The elven counting system seems almost designed to confuse us! They somehow have two more numbers, it makes no sense. After the number 9 comes C and N… I know they are letters, but also numbers… See? CONFUSING!

Insist the elf talk in human numbers when trading!

Preacher Grey’s Column

Don’t Stop Believin’

Hold on to that feelin’!

As a preacher of holy Asrokan, most high, I would like to share a word to my fellow humans.

Living in the elven city it can be a struggle, but it is important we humans stick together and keep our beliefs. Here are my tips to not be misled:

  • Praise Asrokan when you wake up. He is the light that gives us life and guides us in a lonely world.
  • Come to the Shrine at least one a week. Hear the words and keep the community strong.
  • Don’t turn to crime. I know it might be frustrating to see elves that have everything, but we need to be the bigger people. We always have plenty of honest work on our notice board at the shrine!
  • Buy food only from human vendors. Don’t be tempted by those tasty tasty elven spices.
  • Dress properly. I’m not asking much — I mean what is wrong with pants? A dress or a robe is fine too. The elves are just inventing problems where there are none and calling it fashion. Don’t even get me started on the Roserockers… Speaking of:
  • Avert your eyes from improperly clad elves.
  • Bathe in private. It hardly needs saying that Humans have no business in an elven bathhouse.
  • Don’t huff smokestone.

That’s all from me this week. Take care of your fellow human out there, and encourage them to conform.

Preacher Grey

DIY Corner

DIY: Use red water to make a glowlight

How to Make Glow Lights

1. Find an unbroken glass bottle or jar.

2. Fill the container with red glowing water from the sea. The water needs to be refilled every other flame, as it loses its power after a while.

3. Tie a string around it to hang in your home.

DIY: How to make sack pants

How to Make Sack Pants

1. Find a sack big enough for you to stand in (Bonus fashion points for a nice label!).

2. Wash it.

3. Cut open the bottom and across the middle 2/3 way up.

4. Sew the middle into legs.

5. Fashion!

DIY: club

How to Make a Weapon

1. Find an appropriate stick.

2. Bonk!

A human bathing in a barrel

A bathhouse in the human style!

  • Completely private stalls with locking doors.
    Generous barrels and lukewarm water.
  • Human-only hours from 4 to 8.
  • Scent-free soap and towel included.
  • Basic clothing shop.

We also offer certain services that might interest elves. Knock three times on the door at the back.